[Sekirei]

Sarajevo was grooming Rapture, who was lazily enjoying the attention. When she was done, her daughter looked up at her out of her blue and gold eyes. Something in her eyes must've tipped her off because the brown girl sat up to look at her. "Aku-Aku will come home, Momma. He just...needs some time out there. To fix whatever is broken." she said. The white she-wolf blinked a couple times. The older she got, the more wise Rapture seemed to grow. She was already showing great powers of perception that would serve her well as matriarch. She had already figured out that Akutan had left because of compounding issues and come to her own conclusions that perhaps he was broken. 

"I hope so, little one." Sara said, leaning her muzzle into her daughter's fur. "I'm sorry, Rapture. I haven't been the best mother or even the mother you deserve. Akutan and I haven't been apart my whole life. I've just been...trailing after him like a shadow. With him gone, I'm just lost." she said. Rapture just gave her a rub on the face. "It's okay, Momma. I get it. And I'm okay. Can't speak for Ana or Bea, though." she said, with a shrug. She then looked down. "Momma...Aku-Aku's going to be a dad, right? Do you think...Auntie Kyra will let them be family?" she asked. 

Sara brought her head down to lie on her paws. "I don't know. Akutan needs to come home first before I can even think about what a mess that's going to turn into." she sighed. Rapture cocked her head. Sara noticed and then started to laugh. "Ho, boy. What a mess we're all in. Whoever thought that things would fall apart so quickly after Dad died." she said. She looked at her daughter and smiled. "Well, like Ticon always said, things will work out. I hope..." she mused.

[Kyra]

K y r a,

Oh don't you dare look back, Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back, She said shut up and dance with me

----

Deep breaths...

Sometime after her private walk with Alexander in the garden, and her encouraging talk with Kastra, Kyra was feeling a lot more steady on her paws, and a lot clearer in her head. She chewed her lip thinking about the one loose end nagging the shit out of her and that was the pups father's side of the family.

Sara's comment, just before she was attacked, still stung and bothered her. She wondered how the woman was doing after being attacked so blatantly by someone she should have trusted to keep her safe, supposedly for the second time.

The red woman was about to go on her walk around the lake, get the anxiety out of her paws but she decided now was the time to confront Sara about it, she could go for a walk after if she had the energy. Maybe take one of the kiddos if it goes well. They should be about old enough to start their training soon. She wondered what the Queen had in mind.  

Humming a low sound to get her courage up she walked toward the den area where... it had all happened. And it was hard. She couldn't get the image out of her head and she nearly turned back when she heard Rapture's little voice asking an interesting question.

Do you think...Auntie Kyra will let them be family? The woman paused and tilted her head, one paw upraised in her almost flight away but her ears perked at the odd question. Why in the world would she think that Kyra wouldn't let them be a family?

Sara's response was troubling to Kyra, "I don't know. Akutan needs to come home first before I can even think about what a mess that's going to turn into." Why the hell should she be offloading her burdens and speaking like this to her own child? "Ho, boy. What a mess we're all in. Whoever thought that things would fall apart so quickly after Dad died." How would they know Akutan would even come home? Did he say as much before he left? Did he, again, talk to them, over his own mate, and reveal his plans? When he wouldn't even utter a sound at her when she caught him leaving?

That was no way to talk to a child, Raptures job wasn't about comforting her mother or playing therapist. Rapture needed to play and learn, and not be burdened by adult goings on like this. It wasn't right, it was forcing her to grow up too soon.

It stoked Kyra's fire, especially after Sara's own words echoed in Kyra's head from that fateful day: "You're embarrassing yourself. I will not abide you talking this way in front of my kids and I feel ashamed for the ones you're carrying."

The Red Bear stomped her foot on the ground hard enough for it to hurt. She stopped herself from barging in and snarling at the white woman, screaming like she did before. What was it about these people that made her fur bristle like this?

Deep breath.
How would her father handle this. What did she come here for? She looked away at the lake, breathing rapidly, trying to settle it properly. She needed to channel Hakan, she had in mind using his tactic of blunt empathic conversation to at least get an apology. An apology, that's what she wanted. It's what she wanted from her mate but she certainly didn't get it last time she came around.

Ok, she'll set aside the potential idea that he spoke to Sara before he left. She honestly wouldn't be surprised about it anyway. It hurt, again, but it wouldn't be surprising. Ok, ok, ok, how could she lead into this then...

"Well, like Ticon always said, things will work out. I hope..."

That's a good place.

One more breath, then Kyra cleared her throat to announce her presence.

"Hey..." She said, dipping her head in, keeping her voice even, her eyes wary. She may not be welcome here, "I was... I overheard a bit... but I came to... I came to talk, a bit. Then maybe I can take Rapture on a walk around the lake, give you some time with the other two... or something..." Kyra said, looking away. She would guard her tongue fairly heavily around the children, they didn't need to know a lot of what went down and she wouldn't be keen on sharing a lot of the grown up info with them present. But that wasn't her call, since they weren't her kids.

ooc

Photo © Cedric Verstraete / coding © vixxie's codes / lyrics © Shut Up and Dance by Walk The Moon

[Sekirei]

"Hey...I was... I overheard a bit... but I came to... I came to talk, a bit. Then maybe I can take Rapture on a walk around the lake, give you some time with the other two... or something..." came Kyra's voice. Sara felt a smile tug on her maw and she let it shine. Rapture's tail started wagging. She looked at her daughter. "Rapture, can you give me and Kyra some time to ourselves? Just don't go too far from here. Stay where we can see you." she said. 

"Yes, Momma." Rapture said before grinning at the red she-wolf. She headed off but made sure she was still within eyeshot of the two adults. Sara smiled before sighing. The small wolf sat up. "She's getting very perceptive. And she's growing so fast. I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently. She and her siblings deserve better." she said. It was obvious she was proud of her kids but it was also tempered with a sense of melancholy. "I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. I was just afraid you wouldn't want to. I already know Mercury doesn't want to. So I just kept my head down and stayed quiet." Sara said.

[Kyra]

K y r a,

Oh don't you dare look back, Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back, She said shut up and dance with me

----

Kyra crinkled her eyes in a warm playful smile at the girl as Rapture wagged her tail and went to go play obediently. Kyra watched her for a moment as Sara sighed into her ear. Lamenting that she wished she had done things differently and that the kids deserved better. Kyra turned to her with a confused look, raising her brow, trying not to take the comment as a blaming jab about the situation. She didn't understand what better they deserved here. They had their doting father, a present and loving, if a little overbearing, mother, an entire pack that was gungho about being involved in their lives... Akutan leaving should really just be a blip in their lives, especially if they thought he was coming back, he was like their uncle, not a parent. She knew her own brother Burdock wouldn't be staying long in their own lives. The kids really didn't need to understand anything more than he might be traveling, or even tell them he's on a mission and they can learn the truth when they're older.

Ugh she was so done over thinking things and trying not parse offense over every little thing, but she felt like Sara certainly wasn't making it easy.

"I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. I was just afraid you wouldn't want to. I already know Mercury doesn't want to. So I just kept my head down and stayed quiet."

Kyra raised her eyebrow, again. What would Mercury have to talk about, other than maybe to check in with her about being attacked by her own damn cousin? What did Mercury have to do with any of this? The Queen had other things to do than micromanage inter-pack relationships.

"Sure, I wasn't at all in the mood. But I'm hoping we can now. I'm not sure what Queen Mercury has to do with any of it though. That's between you and her." She turned to watch Rapture again and sighed. She wondered what her own kids would look like. In response they seemed to shift and press into a painful spot. Someone had been kicking one particular spot over and over and over again, it was getting sore and she winced a bit trying to shift the little bugger to a new spot to kick.

"Listen," She started bluntly, maybe a little harsher than what she really intended, and she closed her eyes and breathed again before turning to Sara trying again in a calmer tone watching her carefully, "Listen. I really hope your ok after he attacked you. He shouldn't have done that, you didn't deserve that. At the same time, what you said to me before that happened, really hurt." She squeezed her eyes and slightly turned away, trying to stem some more tears, not feeling like she felt safe enough to confront her about this, "I really... want... an apology... Please." Damn that was hard. Her heart was racing, she tried not to beg for it like that but it was out anyway, "You... you said you were ashamed for the pups I'm carrying like I'm some sort of incorrigible monster. It... made..." Stars this fucking hurt, she didn't want to admit this to this woman who took Akutan away from her before they even got started, "It made me feel worthless." She finally choked out then drew in a sharp breath as she fully turned away and glazed her gaze into a wall. Her paws had been kneading the ground.

ooc

Photo © Cedric Verstraete / coding © vixxie's codes / lyrics © Shut Up and Dance by Walk The Moon

[Sekirei]

Sara listened without a word and knew she had been wrong in what she had said. "I'm fine. It wasn't the first time. It's just been a long while since the first time and the situation that led to that is not something we talk about. Just another moment of madness which, in hindsight, was a sign of things to come. As for what I said, I know what I said was wrong. I make no excuses. I'm sorry I said those things." the white wolf said. Giving a self-deprecating chuckle, Sara sat up and stretched. "Between the two of us, I'm the worthless one. Harmless as a lamb and not particularly useful outside my healing arts. Can't hunt for myself and have been following others like a shadow since I learned to walk. But that's my life. All I can do is live it the best I can. You, on the other paw, can do a lot of things I can't. I'm not really a wolf." she said. 

She looked over to where Rapture was practicing her meditation technique. She cocked her head a bit. That girl was going to go far. She looked at Kyra's bulging belly. "How are the little ones, by the way? Anything I can get you?" she asked, a touch of the old healer in her words. She wondered how many she was carrying.

[Kyra]

K y r a,

Oh don't you dare look back, Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back, She said shut up and dance with me

----

Slowly Kyra peered at the healer as she spoke.

She apologized sincerely but only after brushing off her attack like it was nothing. The idea that Sara would just brush it off unnerved Kyra and she wondered in what world this woman was living in that made something like a physical violent attack excusable behavior. Well at least she wasn't making excuses for herself at least.

Kyra pinned her ears back and looked back at the wall as Sara then started digging into her own self deprecating comments. What did Akutan do to this girl that made her look at herself as so useless? Kyra subtly shook her head, honestly, she had been trying to give him excuses herself.

When Sara then tried to turn the conversation to Kyra's impending brood, the red woman tilted her head at her.
"I'm not buying it Sara. I appreciate the sincere apology, I really do. I believe you are truly apologetic about it. But I'm not buying any of the other sh--- stuff, coming from your mouth. You don't deserve what he put you through. From what I'm seeing, it's obvious he must have instilled this level of feeling of worthlessness in everyone around him, and started with you when you were an infant. He had started doing the same thing with me. Our entire relationship becoming official was all so he wouldn't get in trouble if I got pregnant. I wasn't ready for his commitment but he kept pushing. I even told him that I would annoy him too much. You're not worthless and I don't appreciate this guilt trip you're trying to pull on me. It makes me angry that you can't see how he's tried to twist everyone around his finger and you're helping him do it." Kyra was scowling but she couldn't look Sara in the eye. This whole business was making her stomach twist, the idea in her head that maybe he had been grooming his cousin since she was a child to be his personal punching bag solidified the idea that she was never, ever, going to let him anywhere near her babies until they were fully grown and could make their own decisions.

"Sara, if he comes back, he's not going anywhere near them. I will not let him groom them to be his next emotional punching bags, hurting them and making them believe that they're as worthless as he made you believe yourself. I won't have it and I don't ever want to hear that kind of talk from you again. Stars! Has my father ever heard you say that? He'd be heartbroken to hear that from one of his apprentices." She shook her head, disbelief in what she heard, not disappointed in Sara, no, just adding another layer to the fence between herself and Akutan. She had started having those same damn thoughts! Worthless, Useless, though it was usually to the tune of too much, too loud, too annoying... too unloveable.  

"If you want to get me anything for my pups, I want you to start telling yourself that you're more than what you think you are. Start mothering yourself and treating yourself like how you want your kids to be treated. I don't mind being a single mom, but I know I'm going to be needing some babysitters a lot more often than if I wasn't single. And I don't want them learning from their... Aunt-cousin, for lack of a better moniker, the idea that they could somehow believe they are worthless. You want your kids to believe that of themselves?" Kyra shook her head again and pressed her tongue against her teeth.

"And don't guiltrip them either like you just tried with me. Dad's great at giving you sympathy for this stuff, I'm not. I'm not a good shoulder to cry on." She had done her fair share of crying and could definitely point Sara to all the best shoulders in town if she asked.

"I need a walk... Mind if I take the kiddo with me?" Kyra said getting up, not really letting Sara defend herself. Kyra would just shake her head if she tried offering more excuses or try to keep pressing with the self depreciation. Kyra had done enough of that for herself lately, and she was thoroughly ready to also spit that phase of her life on the other side of the border.

ooc

Photo © Cedric Verstraete / coding © vixxie's codes / lyrics © Shut Up and Dance by Walk The Moon

[Sekirei]

"I'm not buying it Sara. I appreciate the sincere apology, I really do. I believe you are truly apologetic about it. But I'm not buying any of the other sh--- stuff, coming from your mouth. You don't deserve what he put you through. From what I'm seeing, it's obvious he must have instilled this level of feeling of worthlessness in everyone around him, and started with you when you were an infant. He had started doing the same thing with me. Our entire relationship becoming official was all so he wouldn't get in trouble if I got pregnant. I wasn't ready for his commitment but he kept pushing. I even told him that I would annoy him too much. You're not worthless and I don't appreciate this guilt trip you're trying to pull on me. It makes me angry that you can't see how he's tried to twist everyone around his finger and you're helping him do it." Kyra said. 

"You're right on a lot of things, except about me. If you had known me since I left the den, you wouldn't have seen any difference between my past self and the wolf you're talking to. Nothing about me was his doing. This..." Sara calmly said, motioning at herself. "Was always going to be my life.Some wolves are leaders, some are followers, others are shadows. I'm called the White Shadow for a reason. I'm always trailing after the strongest. And I'm okay with being that Shadow, even if no one else is. This is my life. No one gets to make my choices for me or decide how I live. Akutan just happened to be the one I chose to follow. If it wasn't him, it was going to be someone else." she said. 

Looking up at the sky, Sara's face was thoughtful. "Not a day goes by where his two attacks don't haunt me, you know. I never forgave him for that time either. I'm just good at holding it together because, in many ways, I'm stronger than he'll ever be. I refuse to let either incident define me or define him. That's my job as a healer. To see wolves as they really are and not twist them into something else. All in all, I'm still the one who knows him the best because I'm now the one who's known him the longest. And to be honest, a big part of me wishes he had died with his siblings. He would've had an eternity of peace in the Afterworld. That's all I want for him and for Nardir. Peace." she said, her voice still soft and calm.

"Sara, if he comes back, he's not going anywhere near them. I will not let him groom them to be his next emotional punching bags, hurting them and making them believe that they're as worthless as he made you believe yourself. I won't have it and I don't ever want to hear that kind of talk from you again. Stars! Has my father ever heard you say that? He'd be heartbroken to hear that from one of his apprentices." Kyra then said. 

That finally made Sara look down at her paws. "I suppose there's no point in saying that if he comes back, he's going to spend most of his time hiding from everyone. I think recent events have finally beaten him into submission. We failed him as much as he failed us. I take responsibility for my own actions that forced him to run away but I doubt anyone else will. At least my doing so will keep my aunt's spirit at peace." she said, her voice still calm as if conversing about the weather. Her words carried a certain weight to them. The white she-wolf was convinced of what she said. 

She then looked at Kyra with a somewhat sly grin. "As for me, I was being a bit sarcastic when I said I was worthless. My worth lies in my work. I love what I do but in other ways, like hunting, I'm not that dependable. I was born with a soul unfit for a wolf, a natural hunter. I took my vows seriously, even before becoming a healer officially. I shall do no harm, not even to survive. Life is that precious to me. That's just facts. Pinning it on Akutan doesn't change the truth of the matter. If he had died with his siblings and I had other influences, this would still be how the Father of Wolves made me. In hindsight, my sarcastic tone did fall flat. Sorry about that. I also apologize for indulging in my family's weakness for talking so much. she said. She hid her heartbreak over the fact Kyra was going to keep the pups away from their father. She was never going to make the effort to understand him. She had already given him up as a lost cause and a bad guy. All the same, the pups themselves had that choice when they were older. She couldn't forbid them forever and Sara had no intention in keeping their paternity from them. 

A lightbulb went off in her head. "For years I've wondered if the source of the patient's problems is centered in the mind. If that's the case, then the entire Clan might have similar mental issues. The patient is expressing the theoretical deficiency more strongly due to various stressors and lacking a coping ability, causing him to lash out. It won't exonerate him entirely but it would give us a leg-up in avoiding similar situations in the future. We just need to learn and respect how he works. We also have to modify our behavior in addition to helping him modify his. Afterworld knows he's never been able to handle stress well. With this in mind, I need to expand my studies and come up with a plan. I need to consider the possibility this pack might not consider mental illness as a valid reason for the patient's loss of control. If my findings prove that to be the case...well, then this isn't the pack my father had told me about. And that's a real shame. If the pack doesn't make an effort to understand how he works, then he doesn't have a home here anymore." she said. She got up and started to pace. She was in full on healer mode so her rambling was more towards herself than to Kyra. If she could pin Akutan's behavior on some sort of mental deficiency, it would answer so many questions. Sara was a professional. When she got like this, it meant the family ties she and Akutan shared were nonexistent. He was nothing but a patient whose caretaker was doing her best to get him the help he needed. For that, she needed Hakan.

"Rapture, come here!" she called her daughter. The brown girl with odd eyes trotted over, ears cocked. "Kyra, I need to see Hakan. I have to run this theory by him to see if it's possible. Akutan was always saving me from trouble during Exile. It's my turn to save him. If you're still interested in taking Rapture for a walk..." the white wolf said to her red companion, trailing off as her uncertainty came back. By that time, the girl had arrived and was looking between the two adults curiously. "If not, I can see if Ticon is home." she added, as a way to let Kyra off the hook if her mood took too much of a nosedive to walk with Rapture.

[Kyra]

K y r a,

Oh don't you dare look back, Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back, She said shut up and dance with me

----

Kyra had taken two steps away when Sara started in and it was a long one, and Kyra sat heavily on her rump and gave the white woman the most bored expression, only half listening. She couldn't believe it. This wolf was just prattling on, excuses tumbling out of her mouth like a waterfall. Thinly veiled excuses but excuses nonetheless.

Kyra looked up at the sky as she started going on about how recent events had beaten him in and how he would be avoiding them all. How would she know? How in the star speckled sky should she know what was going on in his brain? Kyra shook her head. Unbelieving again what she was hearing. This is ridiculous. It sounded like the women even admitted she thought it would have been better for him to have never lived. And Kyra just... Looked askance at her. Who the hell would wish that on anyone? Not even Kyra would wish that on someone.

And then she went on... and on... and on... about mental illness and started to pace.

Like... No shit sherlock, where the hell else would this illness fucking be? Maybe half way up his ass where he kept his actual brain.  

Kyra shook her head.

"Listen, you know what? Do whatever you want. You have no idea how it actually went down between him and me. No idea. You weren't there when it started. You were only there when it ended, oh wait, you weren't there when it truly ended either. So no, no one fu-- no one beat him over the head to make him run," She snorted, "and I'm not letting anyone who has a penchant for attacking his family, near my children, nor myself. If your gonna fight me on this and find some way to give him more excuses, and find ways to allow him near them, then you yourself are treading on thin ice with me. I don't give a damn if he's got urine in his brain causing him to attack people. I don't care how sick he is or was, its. No. Excuse. And you. Weren't. There."

Kyra scoffed and shook her head. Taking another deep breath.
"C'mon kiddo. Maybe you can beat me to the lake, your mom and I are done." She said before she started moving as quickly as her girth would allow. She struggled keeping her words more appropriate around younger ears, but she really cared about the idea of letting kids be kids.

ooc

Photo © Cedric Verstraete / coding © vixxie's codes / lyrics © Shut Up and Dance by Walk The Moon

[Sekirei]

Sara merely shrugged to Kyra's words. She was convinced the red she-wolf was reassigning blame to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions. She did start the downward spiral by getting in his face about not telling her Byakko was dying that day. There was no excuse for that. She had no right to blame her cousin for doing what came naturally to him. That was just one aspect that led Akutan to hit rock bottom. True, no one made him run. He made that call on his own but Sara came to understand why. When one was in a stressful situation or place, he did the most helpful thing he could do for himself: remove himself from it. His attack on her was the last straw. So he left, trying to protect everyone from himself. The fact she was the only one to come to this conclusion was pitiful. She nodded at Rapture who followed Kyra before trotting off. Hopefully, once the pups were born, Kyra would have a much clearer head in which to reexamine the situation. Hakan was really the only one she trusted to understand her point of view. After all, no one else would.

Rapture wisely chose to not bring up what her mom and Auntie Kyra were talking about. She may or may not have been eavesdropping. She kind of had to agree with both of them. Both made solid points. Since Aku-Aku wasn't there to teach her, she took to observing how her mom, dad, and Tico managed things. Mainly Tico. He had worked closely with Aku-Aku. Given the overall atmosphere, Rapture didn't wholeheartedly take Kyra up on her race. She trotted ahead, however, just to make her feel better. Upon reaching the lake, Rapture looked down at her reflection. She liked her eyes the best. Her mom's blue and the Clan's gold. She thought about her cousin, out there without a friend and probably unable to come home even if he wanted to. "He's not a bad guy. Just broken. Like an egg." she said quietly to herself. She didn't understand what it meant to be broken, only that Aku-Aku was and it was somehow making him do bad things. Rapture was young but not stupid. She was pretty observant for her age and even without that fact, the entire situation hadn't gone unnoticed by her or her brother and sister. That was impossible. Did anyone outside family even care about what happened to him? Whether or not Kyra heard, she would know she wasn't meant to respond. 

Deciding that perhaps Mom was right and something could be done to fix him, Rapture looked up at Kyra. "Do you have names in mind for your pups? How many do you think you'll have? Can I meet them when they're here?" she asked, out of genuine curiosity. Naturally, Kyra didn't know any more than anyone else but it was fun to think of these sorts of things.