Private Roleplay  Innocence Died Screaming [Ivaylo]
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#1
(This post was last modified: November 28, 2018, 08:03:36 PM by Angus.)


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Panic. Anger. Doubt. Frustration.

Words Angus knew of but had never experienced before in his life. Was this just anxiety? Or was it something more. The pup had found himself pacing back and forth in the fields just south of the castle where his friend Eli had once shown him. He liked it there- there was something about the ancient structure that kept his mind curious and busy while he'd waited for Ivaylo to get better. He wasn't allowed to visit her- that point had been made clear by that one boy that seemed to like Ivaylo a lot. Deep down, there was a sense of resentment towards that chocolate colored wolf that came in and stole the spotlight when the pup had first arrived to Gemini. Was that jealousy? Angus wasn't sure but the sting of being kept away from his injured friend had left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had had no one here except her, and she was keen to follow the rules of this pack by pushing Angus away.

That was his view point at any rate. Sure, he'd been kept away from visiting, but he'd noticed how well Ivaylo was getting on with the rest of the pack while she healed. He saw from a distance how she seemed more or less happier with him out of her life. It was an anger that panged at him when he went to bed alone at night, under the stars with no den to curl up in to. Ivaylo was here in Gemini, but she didn't seem to remember that he was even there.

And it was true that it couldn't be wholly said as a fact, and the pup knew it. She had found him at the border helping another pup that was lost, and her chummy attitude had the boy reeling. Who was she to think that he would be happy and excited to see her after she forged new friendships with other adults her age, while he was left to toil alone and go to another pack only to make no friends there either?

The boy stomped back and forth as his mind raged with the thoughts of her and how she acted recently towards him. It had been almost a month with no leads on his family, and it felt like since his arrival, Ivaylo was nothing short of unavailable for him. Sure, she had her own life to live, but she'd also made promises to him about finding his family and Gemini. And granted; he'd abandoned her to find Gemini himself, but he had only planned to find Hyperion and then have the three of them go to Gemini together. He didn't realize she would have found her own way and made new friends along the way.

Perhaps he was just upset at the thought of being an afterthought in her mind. Perhaps it was the stress of finding Gemini and then watching as his first and only friend collapsed half dead in front of him at the gates of what was supposed to be their haven from the rest of the world. Maybe it was the lack of closure of that incident and the demands made by the rest of the adults in the room that left Angus's heart and blood boiling as he paced in a circle.

He liked Gemini, he really did.

He just...wasn't sure how to handle the sudden re-introduction of someone that clearly had spent the better part of a month ignoring his existence.

He didn't know how to feel abandoned again.






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#2

"And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

It didn't take long for Ivaylo to come running looking for her dear friend as soon as she was sure Willow was tucked away safely with someone to watch over her. Gemini never ceased to amaze her with how welcoming and quick they were to take care of each other. And now that she could walk, and somewhat run again, it was her commitment to take care of her own. The air was still, as if sensing the tension that filled the woods with an eerie silence. A crisp smell surrounded her, and slightly reminded her of home. Only, this was home now. Something she thought about often, and used to feel bitter about, but now it only made her grin delicately as she strolled onward in search of Angus. It was important to her to share this feeling with him. It was the one thing that made this whole journey worth it. He needed to know that.

And so she wandered, her gaze distant and lost in thought. All that sounded throughout the misty forest was the passing sparrow and the occasional broken murmurs that resonated from Ivaylo's lips. It wasn't uncommon for her to catch herself monologuing while alone. In fact, it helped her at times to know what to say and how to say it. But it was a lot harder now. Everything sounded so lame and stupid coming from her. How could she make him understand what happened? She didn't mean for any of it to take its course. The separation, the resentment, the battle with the slavers. Her injuries... She never meant for it to keep them apart. There was nothing she could do, of course, but it was impossible not to blame herself for what precipitated as a bond that needed to be mended and nourished.

A clearing opened up through the trees that she passed by, and she lifted her head and looked beyond the branches at a vast grassland. She hadn't explored this bit of Gemini before, but perhaps Angus has while she was away healing in the Living Tree. Low and behold, there he was, striding back and forth, just as lost in his thoughts as she. She stood for a moment shielded by the undergrowth, a smile daring to tug at her mouth as she looked on at his conflicting, emotional pacing. He was so complicated now, she could tell. No longer was he a simple, cheerful, adventurous boy with the imagination of a child. No, he was growing. He was realizing how cruel and soul-crushing the world could be. Ivaylo sighed, shaking her head. Even she couldn't protect him from these revelations. She knew that from the very beginning.

She stepped into the field, making her presence known as her feeble scarred leg brushed past a bush. She stopped halfway to him, gazing at him gently. Then, she padded the rest of the way and sat a fair distance from the boy. For a minute, she just stared all around her, still unsure of what to say. There really was no avoiding the topic. She simply had to bite the bullet. It wasn't the first thing she wished to talk to Angus about after all this time, but she had to get it over with some how. Maybe he'd surprise her still and be understanding. She wouldn't put it past him. It was just how he was.

Ivaylo sighed again, lifting her nose to the sky and closing her eyes briefly. "It's beautiful out here... Didn't take you very long to find your preferred spots, huh?" she muttered, glancing at him somberly. God, shut up. Get to the point. "I've missed you, Angus. My memories fail me, but I remember now how you came to find Gemini. I'm... I'm sorry. Sorry you had to... see that. I know you must have a lot of questions. I'm here for you now. Just please talk to me."




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#3


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"It's beautiful out here... Didn't take you very long to find your preferred spots, huh?"

He heard the footsteps of another but it was the sound of Ivaylo's voice that broke the boy from his focus. Angus's head snapped up to attention mid pace, a look of existential dread plaguing him as he looked at her. She'd caught him. She'd know what was up; why his mood was so sour. She always seemed to know these things, didn't she? That's what being an adult was all about. Angus blinked several times as he wiped away the look of dread and replaced it with one of confusion and surprise. Why was she even here talking to him? What even was the point?

"I've missed you, Angus. My memories fail me, but I remember now how you came to find Gemini. I'm... I'm sorry. Sorry you had to... see that. I know you must have a lot of questions. I'm here for you now. Just please talk to me."

Something sharp stabbed at Angus in the heart as she spoke of that day. It was a metaphysical stab, but it wrenched itself deep within his heart and pulled back. The pup's face contorted as she begged for them to talk, and childish inhibitions took over. He might have only been a month or two older, but he was still a child fledgling in emotion and trust. To him, her being hurt and his being forced to stay away was unacceptable in any circumstance.

"What's there to talk about?" he scoffed softly, head snapping back to look at his front feet. He didn't want to talk to her, but he also wanted to run in to her and cling to her fur and never let go. Angus found himself emotionally torn at the prospect of simply forgiving and forgetting, and being upset about being ignored.

"You've made a lot of friends here. You found yourself a home. I've been waiting for you but you kept me away from those healing dens. You and that stupid boy you love so much." Spitefulness was not something that came to Angus naturally, but the jealousy of being something not within Ivaylo's number one priority left a bad taste in his mouth. It was hard to be a pup with no family or friends, save for one wolf who also had a life and who needed to live it. Angus couldn't see the forest beyond the trees and it left him frustrated.

The pup shot Ivaylo another look, tears welling in his eyes despite his best efforts to quell them and swallow his feeling down. Sure, he'd made a couple new friends in his time here in Gemini, but that wasn't the point. Ivaylo had done to him exactly what he had done to her, and he didn't like having it come back around to bite him in the ass.





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#4

"And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

Angus' harsh response had caught her by surprise, to say the least. Ivaylo blinked, staring at him as her lips parted as if to rebuttal, but nothing came out. She could only look as he shrunk back and recounted her time away from him while she healed, and the wolves she'd met while she regained mobility. Her gaze withered to the ground for a moment, guilt weighing heavy in her tired shoulders. Did he really believe that? That she willingly kept her distance? She guessed she didn't handle it wisely, and maybe she could have reassured him better. But she just couldn't find the words. She still couldn't. Angus was her friend, and at this point she could consider him family. So why was it so difficult to communicate this to him? He was just a child, yes. But he was incredibly smart and caring. She shouldn't hide things from him for the sake of his innocence. She should have been honest with him from the start. It would have saved him so much heartache. Too late now. Now, there was just confusion and anger. She looked back up at him, nearly gasping as she realized they were both on the brink of crying together.

"Boy... Love him? Friends? Angus..." Words. Words. Where were the words? She rehearsed this. She shook her head, rising to her feet. Was she remembering this all wrong? Her feet took over as her mind raced, pacing in circles around Angus and gazing at the treetops beyond them. Angus left her. She woke up baffled, fearful, furious. It was her fault that she lost him again. She couldn't keep a watchful eye on him and he left. What was he thinking? To chase after the Prince of Gemini... But then, if he hadn't... A memory of the broad wolf she'd fought flashed behind her eyes, teeth snapping in her face. Her scar stung, and she stopped in her tracks, wincing at the pain in her leg. Angus could have been stolen if he had stayed with her. He could have been killed by those merciless slavers. Maybe, just maybe... he was right all along.

Ivaylo glanced at him, a small breeze ruffling her mane. She considered all the choices she made since arriving to Gemini. Throwing her own life at the slavers, rescuing the orphan held hostage, dragging herself pack to the packlands on her own with no help. She never thought she'd see beloved Angus again. Perhaps that was why she had no regard for her well being until now. Since their return, she had made it her mission to become a better wolf. For herself, for Angus. Her friend. Her brother. Did that mean nothing to him? He wouldn't understand. He was a child, but he wasn't. He was Angus.

"What are you talking about? I... Listen, I know what it looks like. But that's just not true. I thought you were gone... Angus, I lost all hope for you. I thought we were in this together but then you... you..." Her head tossed, and she took a few steps away, shutting her eyes as a tear dripped into the grass below her. Why couldn't she just be happy that they were both here, alive? Could she not just enjoy this for one moment? She looked back at him now, sniffling.

"Family... first... You didn't listen to me. You were supposed to put family first. You were supposed to be smart. You weren't supposed to abandon me again, brother--" She cut herself off, ears twitching at her own words. No, he couldn't possibly understand. Angus could never comprehend that he was the light she needed to fill the emptiness that Seva left her.




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#5


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"Boy... Love him? Friends? Angus...What are you talking about? I... Listen, I know what it looks like. But that's just not true. I thought you were gone... Angus, I lost all hope for you. I thought we were in this together but then you... you...Family... first... You didn't listen to me. You were supposed to put family first. You were supposed to be smart. You weren't supposed to abandon me again, brother--"

What was this sensation bubbling up inside of him? It was new, it was hot and white, and it filled his eyes as she spoke to him-- no-- chided him on his behavior and his own thought process. Who was she to question him, when she never believed in him to begin with? He was the one who found her when she ran away from him. He was the one that suggested they find the one member of Gemini that could help them both find their way here. But she wouldn't listen. She didn't listen when they met, and she didn't listen when he offered her a logical solution to their problem. She wanted to find a pack to fit in to. All Angus wanted was to find his parents and go home. And now she had the nerve to call him brother after refusing to listen to him? The boy couldn't understand it- his brain was unable to wrap around the concept of her looking out for his best interest. To him, all this was was one giant fuck you, thanks for getting me to Gemini, I guess we can be family or friends or whatever.

Something hot stung at his fur and Angus realized he was crying. Teeth were bared as he stood there shaking as he looked at her, his fur standing on end.

"I was smart!" he shot back loudly, his voice shaking as he screamed at her. He didn't mean to scream. He'd never been angry before. "I was the one who found you after YOU ran away. I was the one who told you we needed to find Hyperion to get to Gemini! If it wasn't for me, you would have still been lost in those woods somewhere!" This feeling, this sick gut-wrenching feeling was invading his body and his face was hot and wet with tears as he watched her for a moment before taking a step back. How dare she stand there and accuse him of being the one who wasn't smart. He survived the wilds and came out with no scars and yet here she was, battered and bruised and scarred.

He could remember how happy he was when he first saw her after she'd been brought in by Gaven. He remembered the happy moment they shared as he apologized for leaving. He already said his apologies and yet she brought them up as if they hadn't been forgiven.

Adrenaline was pumping through him now as his body shook harder as he stood here. His fight or flight instincts were beginning to shift in to over drive as he looked at her. She'd never understand. She grew up with a family. His was missing somewhere, and now here he was- stuck in Gemini with nowhere to go. She was lucky; Ivaylo had a home now....again. His was still out there, looking for him, worried sick. The pup took another step back, ears lowered atop his head as he sniveled and cried out of anger and frustration.

"I just..." he began as he fell to his rump, gaze finally averting and looking down at the ground, "I just want to go home...I don't want to be here anymore. I want my real family..."





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#6

bump @ @Ivaylo


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#7
(This post was last modified: April 02, 2019, 08:09:57 PM by Ivaylo.)

"And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

A cold icy rage was welling up in her chest as Ivaylo dared to scoff at Angus and throw her head side to side in disbelief. How could he be so naive? And yet, so right? She'd never admit it to him or herself, especially now, but she knew deep in her heart that this boy only meant to help. And by not letting him, by lowering him as a small ignorant child, she had hurt him. Yet, it had kept him out of danger...

No.

She raised her gaze at him, eyes glittering in tearful anger and frustration. She was so tired of admitting fault. So sick of feeling guilty. Everywhere she went, everything she did ended up in failure. She had failed her mother, Seva, herself. And now Angus. Ivaylo wished so desperately that she could just do one thing right, just once. She wanted to feel at peace. She wanted Angus to be safe and happy and live a life worth living. Had she made that impossible now? Memories flickered in the back of her mind and made her skull buzz with nostalgia. She could see Seva in front of her, face and body strewn with cuts and bruises, panting and seething at her. How long ago was it? They always fought in moments like this. But rather than trying to communicate, they let their claws and teeth do the talking. Ivaylo always won. But Seva was always too fucking smart for his own good. It's your fault. Your fault. YOUR FAULT. Her eyes clamped shut for one second before opening again, and she growled as she saw glimpses of her mother's blood pooling at her feet. No, no... Not again.

Her hunched frame trembled as Angus wailed at her, conflicted and hurt that she had never listened to him, not for a second. It was all too familiar. She didn't want to hold it against him for abandoning her anymore. She didn't, she wanted to move on. But how could she when Angus wouldn't talk to her about it? There was no point in keeping the truth from him if all it did was obscure his perception of her healing and grieving. And if he didn't love her anymore after the fact... so be it. She's done her part.

"Your real family... is GONE!" she howled, staring straight down at him and panting. "Do you HEAR me? GONE! THIS IS YOUR HOME NOW. I wanted to help you, because you're a good fucking kid and I didn't want you to be alone. But you just had to do it your way, because you think you know EVERYTHING. Yknow what happens to people who think they know everything? THEY FUCKING DIE. THEY DIE, JUST LIKE MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY DID."

Hot air bellowed out of her for a few short moments before her vision cleared again and she could see the look on her dear friend's face. Her breathing slowed, the figments of her dead brother and mother disappeared into nothingness, her lips loosening to hide her infuriated grimace and gritted fangs... Oh god, what had she done?



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#8


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"Your real family... is GONE! Do you HEAR me? GONE! THIS IS YOUR HOME NOW. I wanted to help you, because you're a good fucking kid and I didn't want you to be alone. But you just had to do it your way, because you think you know EVERYTHING. Yknow what happens to people who think they know everything? THEY FUCKING DIE. THEY DIE, JUST LIKE MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY DID."

Silence.

That's all there was. Just silence.

Angus stood there, his body shaking visibly as tears streamed down his face; unable to speak as the pair stood there mouths agape while the words settled in the already tense air. He was at a loss of words- wouldn't anyone be? Her anger rang through the silence now, echoing in his brain as he stood there. Why couldn't he move? What was happening? He just...stood there, with matted fur. He wasn't sure if the silent crying made it better or worse to be honest, he just knew it was happening. And so Angus let the divide grow as the silence between them did.

Finally, as if his brain had caught up to him, he took a step back; shaky and unsure, but he took a step back. Green eyes stared up at Ivaylo- how could she? How could she just do this? True enough he was no saint either in this matter but, to tell a child...that their family was dead? The boy couldn't fully comprehend it. He knew...he knew what she said, and he understood the concepts of death and loss, but the idea of putting those two specific things together in regards to his mother and father and siblings just- it couldn't compute. No. No they were somewhere looking for him. He could feel it.

And then all at once, as if he'd experienced a delayed reaction, Angus's fur began to bristle. How dare she, how dare she make an assumption like that! Again! Was she not listening? Was she ever truly listening?! Yes- Angus knew he was wholly to blame on his part for what he had done in abandoning her. Yes, he could understand her anger in regards to that. Yes, he was responsible for bringing her to Gemini by simply whispering the pack's name in to her ears and telling her about how great it seemed. In theory, yes, it was Angus who did lure her in to Gemini's grasp. But this, this was something wholly different and the boy couldn't help but feel the sunken feeling of his heart in his chest begin to bubble and rise up all at once as his body shook even harder now. Who the hell did she think she was to just say that to him?!

"No!" he finally shouted, surprised at his own strength and volume at which it came out. He pulled his lips back in to a snarl as he stood there with fur bristled and eyes narrowed. The tears kept flowing, even as he tried to choke them back and make them stop.

"You're wrong! My-my family is out there looking for me! I-I-I know they are!" His voice was shaky as he tried to steady himself. Angus took another step back, the once quiet sobs now growing in volume as he shook his head back and forth. "Just...just because YOU lost YOUR family....doesn't...doesn't mean you can just assume that mine is gone too!" He took yet another step back, teeth bared as he watched her.

"My family loves me! They're going to come back for me, and, and they're going to find me, and then, and then, and then you can finally be rid of me too! Like your family!"

Now it was he who stood there, silent as the sobs tore through him. His fight or flight reflexes kicking in as he did his best to refrain from running away. They were...in deep now. There was no point in running when the bridges were already beginning to burn away.






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#9

"And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

"... No, wait, I didn't mean--"
"No! You're wrong!"
"Angus, please--"

No one can change the past. You can't control that. What's done was done. Ivaylo could only watch Angus' emotions unravel before her like a dead flower's petals wilting away, and bite her tongue as tears made her eyes go red. Enough was enough. She had done too much damage. There was nothing more she could say. She couldn't make it better. And that was just how the cycle went. Disappoint them all, feel angry, lash out, say shit she didn't mean, feel remorse, isolate. Of course his family loved him. Shit, who wouldn't? He wasn't like her when she was a pup; insufferable, rebellious, loud, reckless... Maybe that last part, but he didn't mean to be... He had nothing but good in him. She wanted to believe she did too, but it didn't matter what she was. It only mattered what Angus could be. That's why it was so important to her that he survived, that he made it here...

Now he wants to go back?

She stood there, listening to him. She shut up. She listened. She teared up, and he did too. It was all there was left, after everything they had gone through together. She didn't want to believe that it was the end for them. She refused. Angus had no one now. If his happiness meant that Ivaylo must find the wolves who would take responsibility, meaning she'd never see him again... then it was worth it. For him. She needed to think. She couldn't now, not around him, not when they were both crying and angry and confused. There was no telling if Angus would do something hasty such as leaving Gemini tonight to find his family, so she decided she'd be close enough to keep his scent around but give him his distance. He... needed it. For now. He was safe, that's all that mattered as of this moment. He was allowed to be hurt, so long as he stayed here until she figured this out...

She looked at him, lip quivering and she sniffled, waiting for him to say something else if he needed to. But it looked as though all he had left was tears. And that was okay. She couldn't apologize now, they were both too emotional as it is. She had to find the words again. And once she did, she'd make it known that all she did was care for him since the beginning. It took her several moments, but she found the courage to begin walking past him, brushing pelts gently as she slowly glided by. Her head and ears lowered in shame. Something inside her made her pause, it made her want to glance back. But she just turned her head back, too afraid to look him in the eye again. Moments passed before she could say her last piece.

"I loved my family too. I lied about them. We were never... adventurers. We were starving and alone and never left our home. I loved them. But we weren't there for each other. I... I wasn't there for them. I thought I could change when I found you. I thought I could give you hope, and in turn... give myself hope. But I understand now-- I haven't changed." She looked up ahead, gazing at the forest beyond. It called to her, beckoning silently. Her feet felt frozen in place, conflicted. This wasn't her abandoning Angus again. This was her promise to him, the same as her promise to Harriette and Iaera and Gemini. She would become a better wolf. For all of them, and herself. It was still her mission. "The strength of a family, like the strength of Gemini, is in its loyalty to each other. I will always be loyal to you, my friend. That is the only part of me I'd never change. Not for the world. Thank you for coming back for me... You're the most loyal friend I've ever known. I will never forget that."

She would linger, ears tilted back, awaiting a response. It was alright if he had nothing more to say. She supposed she just wanted a sign that he would still come see her. She didn't want this to be the last time they spoke. It would break her heart, more than it already has. Stealing one last look at him, her eyes watered again as she stared at his sorrowful, slumped over figure. Her claws dug in the ground. Stay, stay, a voice in her head pleaded with her. But she shook her head. Angus was growing, but she had her own growing to do. And if they were truly the brothers that the world intended them to be... surely, they would find their way back to each other. She was sure of it. She believed it with all her soul.



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