[Ivaylo]

// ooc; slight trigger warning for some suicidal ideations

did I let it bleed me?
did I hit it back until it bled itself?

IAERA

Bittersweet and sickly feelings mulled around and soured in her stomach as they began their trek from Gemini to the unknown. It felt so familiar, so cold and cruel and harsh the more she lingered on it. These babies. Precious babies. Babies that were loved, that had freedom and families... (Her ears pinned back hard at the thought of a beautiful childhood-- what a fucking dream.) Now they were stuck in the same sticky quicksand she had been caught in, and all Iaera could think about was how easy it would be to mess up and let them get sucked under to suffocate in slavery.

But these children had heroes coming for them, to throw them what they needed to escape and spirit them away to the land of dreamers. Violet eyes studied the caravan of angry souls ahead of her festering in their rage and it had not yet bubbled up in her own heart yet. The pain yes, the anger yes, but the all consuming fiery rage hadn't quite sparked just yet. And yet Iaera knew herself, she knew it would come and drag her down to the hungry flames of Hell soon enough. So before that happened, before the anger and the recklessness tore more holes in her soul, she would look back towards the group that had came. Eyes falling on the figure of Ivaylo (though she did not know the wolf's name) before motioning and calling out, "You!"

Perhaps a somewhat rude sounding summons... The Whisper cringed for a moment before waiting to see if the other would approach. She had a slight amend to make... "I apologize... When I'm on the border and things feel dangerous sometimes I lose my patience too quickly..."

IVAYLO

It was difficult to tell what felt like home again. Even harder as the band of courageous fighters, healers, and king set out to seek and rescue the stolen child; she couldn't be sure if this land, in past times, once belonged to her. A part of Ivaylo's mind was loud with thoughts of worry and anticipation. How had she really gotten here? Surely everything was meant to lead up to this very moment. Or perhaps she was wrong, and she had made every mistake possible. She wondered if they'd pass the place, by the hill hidden in oak trees, where her mother choked and passed away. Alone. But she wouldn't let that make her falter. Her place was here now, and she would make that clear when the time came.

Ivaylo chose to be close to the center of the horde, but walked with not a soul beside her. She preferred it this way. Too much had happened in a short span of time that left the valiant group angry and nervous to no end. It was much to bare, and she needed to avoid it. She had to focus. She had to think of the pups, and their poor mothers. Even if she wasn't ready to.

"You!"

Her head swung up, the eerie silence and waves of emotion interrupted by a grey woman calling back at her. She recognized her from the crowd, the one who glared and stood up to Ivaylo's broad comment. With her face still shaded in indignation, she paused for a moment before nodding towards her.

"I apologize..."

She glanced sideways, looking downward as she continued her trek and eventally caught up to her to look her in the eyes. "I didn't mean to point blame either. I'm not... the best with words." For a while, she stood beside her, looking past the pack to the dark woodland ahead. "It wasn't easy for me to see."

IAERA

Iaera was not surprised the woman didn't come smiling as if they were old friends and so the wolfdog offered her little expression. She felt out of practice giving an apology as if somewhere down the line she'd either became perfect or too callous to consider others. Seeing as how she certainly didn't feel perfect, another wave of regret washed over her and offhandedly she wondered what else she had done she should atone for when this was all said and done. Spiteful or rude remarks and cold shoulders. When has she became the worst version of herself? Why had it been so easy to do? Iaera grumbled at herself as Ivaylo approached, not meeting her eyes until they were much closer together.

The Ranger-slash-Whisper was admittedly caught off guard that her apology seemed to be accepted and oddly enough.. returned? Of course Ivaylo had been reckless but she had caused no harm really and nobody was in any danger from it. The maiden's brow furrowed at the yellow and off gray woman before settling on a simple reply, "Our emotions do that to us sometime." Just like fear and stress will make a sweet woman turn into a snapping turtle. And much carnage too. Alistar had been none too rosy looking when he arrived carrying the corpse of his wife.

What must that devotion feel like?

"Pray it never becomes easy..." it was solid advice because Iaera realized she wasn't sure she so much as flinched when she saw the pair. Violet eyes hardened as she looked ahead, her face pulled into a grimace as she wracked her brain to remember if she even reacted. "If you're not careful, it'll look about like everything else."

Was that the price she paid for her boldness in action?

IVAYLO

Clearly, it wasn't too late for Ivaylo's mental well being. It was not frequent that she came upon death. Only twice now had she seen a dead body and reacted badly to it. Or rather, as normally as any young girl should. Maybe she had often let it control her behavior these past few weeks, but she had to remind herself that she was trying. She was trying to be here, right now, and not in the dark forest when she was younger. But she knew that in the time she had travelled to find the kingdom, she had grown. She was no longer the cowering, sobbing pup that she was before. She wasn't afraid of anyone. She'd steal back her own life if she had to. This was her world to defend now.

"Somehow I fail to see how it'll be easy for any of us soon. We're not exactly walking into a tea party," she muttered, eyes still gazing through the light fog that shrouded the clearing in mystery. Following the slavers' trail would lead them to something eventually. Was she ready to face them? Was she ready to see children, bound up and prepared to die at any moment?

"I'm not like a lot of you here, who answer death at their doorstep and chase after slavers. But I know what it's like, at least, to feel your family stolen from you." She pondered, figuring she should be grateful for the amount of adventure she's had with them so far. That was what she wanted in the beginning. Wasn't it? Ivaylo finally turned her forest eyes to the wolfdog, a certain darkness to her look that begged for her to understand.

IAERA

A long silence was shared between the women as Iaera brooded in her self-disappointment and Ivaylo gloried in her newfound sense of being. Certainly the air was thick around them, heavy with the intensity of emotions that soaked them to their bones. Idly, the wolfdog wondered if the rest of the wildfire even noticed the somber tones and expressive eyes of the two. As the breeze in this dark forest tickled her nose and lifted the fabric of her cloak ever so lightly Iaera could see that none of their eyes had turned from the war path. Why should they? Turn from their valiant efforts to wallow in the introspection these two found.

When Ivaylo spoke, the wolfdog grinned at her. It was naivety really and Iaera knew that. This world would only get easier if you could adjust to seeing it's horrors; but to not flinch? A humming rumble slipped up her throat. She still should have flinched. Desensitization should still be followed by emotion, and perhaps it was and she just hadn't hit that glower yet.  "The more you see of the world's terrors, the less surprises you. It's effective for getting a job done, but if you aren't careful I imagine your humanity goes away with it."

The pair cut through the fog like angry sharpened blades, Iaera had taken a break from attempting to track while her head swam in another kind of fog. When the younger girl spoke, the Ranger looked at her with a strange expression for a moment. "I don't think most of us started this way. It seems the bold of Gemini were once the meek somewhere else. One can only live through so much injustice before they turn to fight against it. You can't be too much unlike us, you're here..." a toothy grin would flash to Ivaylo.

Violet eyes would meet dark forested ones, "I was once a child in shackles and my mother died for my freedom. I will never turn and flee from evil again. I owe her that."

IVAYLO

Humanity. Where had it all gone now? Certainly not with the slavers, if they even had any to begin with. Maybe they did at one point, and some how got to where they are now. Would Ivaylo be one of them, if she had lost her compassion on the way? She had to consider that even if she wasn't an outstanding member, she still followed her heart. She knew right from wrong. She could empathize, sometimes too much for her own good.

She looked at her now, listening to her words of... was it comfort she felt? It must have been, or she wouldn't feel compelled to smile back at her so easily. "Y-yeah... Thank you. As twisted as it might sound, I think I'm glad to be here than anywhere else I've been." And she didn't have to lie to herself this time to believe it.

Her gaze withered to the ground again as the grey one told her story of her mother, another victim to this cruel world. Her mind clouded with sadness as she felt her pain, and her eyes felt wet. Was no mother safe? "Every mother deserves a child like you. I'm sure she's proud to have raised you," she spoke up, looking up to see the pack moving farther away without them. She turned to glance at the little warrior, hope rising in her chest. "Shall we?" she beckoned, gesturing for the woman to accompany her as they walked.

They continued on, and Ivaylo couldn't help but feel safe enough to share her real history with someone in this pack. Someone who understands. But she kept her eyes on her paws, not knowing what to expect and still nervous down to the core. "I wish I even knew what happened to my mother when she died... All I know is that... I wasn't there for her. Or my brother." She choked back a sob. No, not now. Be strong. "When I saw that poor woman, and that man carrying her, I... I thought it was my fault. I couldn't stop thinking, somehow, it was my fault."

IAERA

Camaraderie was not Iaera's speciality but it seemed as if today she wasn't doing poorly. Almost as if honesty had an effect on people; what a concept! But honesty was a double edged sword when the divulged history was painful, for whatever doors it opened in another's heart for her, it slammed in her own heart and slid across her throat like a sharp knife. It felt like choking. The gravitas of her very last statement made her weary, as if such intensity and severity couldn't be harnessed inside her tiny framework. Though the thought of that made her angry, she did not want to be weak the rest of her life.

But perhaps that was what she was destined for? To constantly fall short of the honor she wished to give her mother. To have a good life as a bold, strong woman.

Iaera swallowed hard as Ivaylo said that she thought Style would have been proud. "I'm not sure I've done enough to repay her." a somewhat chilled response, but a response from the core nonetheless. What had she done before today? Hidden until she was found by Aela. Joined a pack, sure, gain ranks, sure. But all her once friends had disappeared into obscurity and she realized she felt more alone in the territory than at home. A shadow; perhaps good for a Whisper but not for her heart. What had she done wrong?

The Ranger accompanied the other woman regardless though and was caught off guard when honesty was met with honesty. How odd! Violet eyes watched the woman sympathetically until the word brother slipped from her lips and the Ranger felt cold. "Brother.." it was a whisper, a story nobody knew. But Ivaylo continued and Iaera drew back to this world. "I understand. You wonder about all the things that could have happened or gone differently. It's easier to place blame on yourself than to blame others."  did she realize that wisdom could be translated to her own life.

"We can only do what we can. But we can try to make the things that are our fault, things that don't hurt us."

IVAYLO

Ivaylo nodded as she spoke, feeling her anxiety soothed and happiness taking place, at least for a few moments. But it soon faded as she pulled herself back and remembered where they were. This wasn't just a friendly meeting in passing. This was, maybe, an alignment of fate that could only have happened in joint tragedies. And she had no idea it would happen here, with Gemini. Perhaps now she too was Gemini. It filled her heart with hope and warmth just thinking about it, and she sighed with relief.

"You're right. I will get better," she said, almost to herself, lifting her gaze to stare at the trees and foliage beyond them. Would the orphans blame themselves too for what happened? Ivaylo shuddered, haunted by the idea of what must be going through their heads, wherever they had been taken.

"I misjudged Gemini. None of this is anything like I'd expected. I don't even know what I was expecting." She looked at her out of the corner of her eye, feeling awkward suddenly. "I wasn't expecting to ever meet wolves like you. Makes me wonder why I hid for so long... Oh, shit! I'm Ivaylo. I'm sorry, I literally live under rocks and I forget how to... yeah." She laughed nervously, offering her a smile. Ah yes, she made it weird. Good job. Nice.

IAERA

Whatever strings of words Iaera had managed to thoughtfully put together had made the other woman feel better. That was a consolation the Ranger figured as she still didn't feel better, especially not after speaking of her mother and then remembering things like brothers existed. Normally by now she would have sent the other woman away, but her irritability would get her nowhere and it seemed that Ivaylo was finding confidence in herself. Iaera could never squash such a thing.

Plus she wasn't sure she was ready to be alone again just yet. The wolfdog had tasted the bitterness of it all too much lately and any more might permanently sour her tastebuds.

"Gemini is good at surprises. I think above all else we are a sanctuary from the nastiness in the world. And sometimes we have to reach out and pluck those stuck in inequity and bring them back. It's not enough to say you're good, you must do it as well. The girl King knows, and we would follow her anywhere."

Her thoughts on Akira were still forming but this she already knew. But there wouldn't be much time to ponder on it, as it occurred to the other woman that they had not introduced themselves. Iaera grinned back at Ivaylo with sincerity and a little humor. "Iaera. Ranger, Whisper, and a Cipher. If it makes you feel better I don't even live under a rock and didn't think to introduce myself."

IVAYLO

"Well, I'm sure you have your reasons. There's a lot on everyone's mind. Those kids..." Ivaylo trailed off, looking somber all of a sudden. She wondered if she'd truly be able to help Gemini's cause in bringing them to safety and vanquishing those who murdered their guardians in cold blood. What good had she brought to them? She had never truly fought anyone besides her brother when they would argue, but she had never severely hurt him. She could track down prey, but she wasn't a true hunter. She recalled her time in the dark forest when she was isolated and locked outside her own mind, killing any small thing that came her way. Rabbits, squirrels, birds, calves. She ran and snapped her teeth, blinded by anger and an urge to release it in the most innocent way she could; so she can survive. Could she tap into this fixation and unleash her wrath to aid these wolves? She looked down, doubt clouding her thoughts. No, that wasn't Ivaylo anymore. She was depressed back then. That didn't mean she wasn't anymore, but she wanted change and change was happening. She wouldn't use her anger for herself anymore. She'd control it. She just had to believe she had control.

"Iaera, Ranger, Whisper, Cipher... are those all of your names? Which one do I call you?" she asked, genuine curiosity in her tone. This pack's ways were lost on her, but she wanted to learn. This would be her home now, her packmates were now... her friends. It's only right that she gives the courtesy of learning who all of them are individually. After all, maybe she'd get a few more cool names like her new friend.

IAERA

"I suppose..." the woman mused, still grinning at Ivaylo. The reality was simply that this hadn't been a formal exchange and so she'd forgotten formalities the moment she shouted for Ivaylo calling her "you". The Ranger clicked her teeth together and watched the expressions unfold across the slightly younger girl's face. What thoughts ran through her mind? What agonies had she experienced to bring her on this mission of justice? Violet eyes were thoughtful behind a still smirking expression; sheepishly realizing that studying others had once been of great interest to her. But the yellowish other didn't know this, though she might sense something other than benevolence in the eyes of the Ranger.

It seemed she was just as unaccustomed to pack life as Iaera had been when she arrived in Gemini, if not worse. For a moment the wolfdog would seem surprised, perking a brow before nodding to Ivaylo. "Ah. You've never been in a pack before? I assume?" Part of her job as Whisper was to explain things and teach, she would take the opportunity then, and ease some of the tension in this march. "Iaera is my actual name.  That is what you could call me, it is Latin, my mother's native tongue." Nymph; Forest spirit, beautiful maiden, what a joke. "Ranger and Whisper are my two ranks," let that sink in.

"Rangers are scouts for our pack, whether it's in the packland protecting the borders and meeting those who wish to join us, or like out here, alternating helping track and navigate. Whispers are gathers of information and we teach that information to others. We also serve as diplomats during trips to other packs, I have served on one diplomatic mission so far to Inaria, another pack that is a good friend to us."

Another long moment passed as the wolfdog let Ivaylo take in all the new information, and ask questions as they came, "Lastly, I have a skill which I am able to teach others; that I am a 'Cipher'. That means that is that I speak more than one language and I can teach others. As I mentioned earlier, my mother's native tongue was Latin, it was taught to me and is technically my native tongue as well. So if you ever hear my accent get heavy, that is why." Would this woman know of other languages? Iaera had realized in her travels that they were few and far between and few in Gemini had expressed interest in learning them. Iri had learned to help teach Iaera English, but Iri had disappeared into thin air it seemed like and though Amalthea had seemed curious, she had never taken in any actual lessons.

IVAYLO

"Ah. You've never been in a pack before? I assume?"

Ivaylo's eyes wandered, embarrassment for not knowing basic knowledge overtaking her curiosity. "No... I thought they were fake." She would let her continue explaining her role in Gemini, listening as intently as she could to all the new words ringing in her ears. Iaera is what she was called, it was Latin like her mother spoke. Another language? I wonder where it came from. Ranger and Whisper were her... jobs? Responsibilities? Purpose? Ivaylo wondered what ranks had to do with helping the pack prosper.

From what she described, it sounded like it had almost everything to do with keeping the pack alive and thriving. Her forest eyes would widen as she concentrated on Iaera's voice. She mentioned a mission she participated in to another pack, Inaria, and just that one tidbit of information was enough to send her mind whirling with confusion. There's... more? Her mouth parted slightly, completely in awe. She had only just come to terms with this pack being real. Finding out that there was even more kingdoms across these lands, like this one... Exactly what kind of world was she living in? How had she not seen any of it until now? She walked on in silence, her ears perked to show she was still listening, but had no words for what she was just told. Seems our adventure was too small compared to the rest of these lands, brother, she thought to herself.

Ivaylo's face finally turned to Iaera's as she took note of her Latin accent, and she nodded. "That's okay! I mean, I understand. My mom used to only speak to me in her tongue. Or rather, my father's I guess. I suppose it was her own way of trying to respect him. I think she gave up after awhile and started learning English from me and my brother." Ivaylo almost chuckled to herself, remembering how frustrated her mother would get from their snarky arguments in two different languages. "She used to always yell at me, 'Ivaĭlo! Govorete pravilno! Bŭdi khubava dama!' And that's probably the extent of my knowledge in Bulgarian. I didn't know anyone who spoke it anyway, so it was useless to me." What she wouldn't give to learn it now, just to show her Mother that she cared. If she tried, she could remember more of her mother's teachings and probably learn it again. They were a small family, but there was still culture that she knew her mother wanted to keep alive. Wherever it came from, Ivaylo would probably never know. But now, it was more important than ever. After all... she is the only one left.

Her face grew somber yet again, and she blinked before she ceased walking on and stared at Iaera. "I... I didn't know how big this world really was. How... ugly it really is... I'm... sorry." She lowered her head, feeling overwhelmed. "For being so naive, and coming along on this mission thinking I'd be of any use to Gemini. I don't know a damn thing about anything!" Looking up, she could feel tears welling up but she sniffed and blinked them away, letting a few of them drip down her cheeks because she couldn't hold it back no matter how hard she tried. "But I want to help... Gemini, as intimidating as it may be for me... It's not ugly. If I was born here, my family may still be alive and all together. I want that for these orphans. I want that... for everyone."

IAERA

The comment caught Iaera by surprise. How could anyone think packs were fake? They were the core of wolf-hood. Even though Iaera had lived alone for some time before coming to Gemini, she was aware of them. Ivaylo seemed confused to say the least but followed along silently taking the information in. At the mention of Inaria she saw the yellow woman's mouth part open and she smiled, "Inaria is one of many. As is Gemini. Packs rise and fall. My mothers pack Imperium fell. Some come back. Some are friends, and some," Saboro apparently, "are enemies." But that was not for the other girl to worry over now. For now their enemies were something else entirely.

"Yes. My mother learned Latin from her mother, who learned it when she joined Imperium. It was the language of the pack and those who spoke it had a better chance at being selected and respected than those who had to have translations. I learned Latin first, and didn't really learn any real English until after I joined Gemini." Iaera recalled her hilarious acceptance with Aela, they quite obviously had a language barrier but Aela didn't let that stop her from trying to help. "Mother and I used it to talk secrets to each other. The dogs in the village didn't know it, they used to get angry and we'd laugh at them."

A faint smile pulled onto her face, her time in captivity had been rough but Mother had made all the difference in the world. But the smile reversed when the other replied. "Hey, you already know children don't belong in chains, so you're doing way better than the ones we're going to stop. The world is big and if you've never seen it how are you supposed to know it's big?" But she did not make eye contact, tears made her dreadfully uncomfortable. Instead her violet eyes stayed facing forward, expression slightly stoic.

IVAYLO

Perhaps it wasn't so much the children she was thinking of after all. Babies were something Ivaylo was quite unknowledgeable of. She knew just about as much as her brother would have, and he's... was a man. Children were never really a part of conversation unless her mother was cursing herself for having any in the first place. But she never meant it, of course. She had to remember that it was something spoken in the heat of her frustration, especially during disagreements. Their mother loved them. But she knew she deserved better. The orphans deserve better, yes. But so did their guardians. She just wouldn't allow herself to say that she did too.

Beyond everything, why would she? She should feel fucking lucky. But it wasn't good enough, and that faint thought seared the back of her skull, threatening to assume control. The migraines began. She gritted her teeth somewhat, but she walked on. She was showing weakness, and she knew it, and she hated it, she hated it. She let her blank stare fall forward, her eyes drying. "You got me there."

A forced chuckle rattled her thick frame, and she shook her head rather jokingly while still appearing remorseful. "I suppose I won't see much of it after all this." Ivaylo was no soldier. She wasn't afraid of being brave, that wasn't what scared her. At this point she could throw her life away to save another, and she would. But that would be it. None would remember the pale stray girl who hid from her demons and ran from the past. Except maybe Angus. She'd give anything to see him one last time if she'd die at the fangs of a slaver. Even just for a minute.

IAERA

Give anything moments came often for Iaera and she could see it in Ivaylo too. Purple eyes darted to the side and back forward as if she wasn't try to judge the other woman's mental state. As if she wasn't keenly watching; but for what? Something familiar? Her nose wrinkled slightly but she continued to walk forward somberly. Her stomach twinged and tensed, it seemed the closer they got the more Iaera could feel it in her bones. The louder the war drums in her ears would get; the wolfdog flicked them to drown it out.

When Ivaylo finally spoke, the small wolfdog turned to look at her sternly. "That's just not true. This is just another day, this is just another moment to prove you can survive." If Iaera knew anything, it was how to survive. She might not know how to live, but she would be a plague on the earth before she'd allow herself to be snuffed out. The indignation was unbecoming.

The Ranger would walk a little closer to the macabre new friend. "When we win, and we go home, I'll have to come see you to rub it in your face that I was right." A wry grin pulled across her face and she pushed her nose against Ivaylo's face encouragingly. A bold statement. Hopefully true.

IVAYLO

Naturally, Iaera's response made her regret speaking out immediately. She wished she didn't have to be honest, but at times like these there was no other way around it. Ivaylo would avoid it if she could have. She'd choose the bliss of ignorance any day. But the truth stared her down and forced her to have a morbid moment of clarity that made her sick to the stomach. She would die on the battlefield, whether she predicted it or spoke it into existence. It brought on such a powerful flood of emotions, but at this point there were no more tears to cry.

She could only blink and shake her head suddenly to ward off the thoughts. "S-sorry..." she muttered, her head hanging low. But her ears twitched and her eyes fluttered in surprise as Iaera drew closer.

"When we win, and we go home, I'll have to come see you to rub it in your face that I was right." And with that, her muzzle rubbed past hers, and Ivaylo could do nothing but blush and fumble for words. She hadn't had the pleasure of receiving such encouraging yet playful words from another packmate. At least, not from a female friend she could relate to. A tiny ember lit in her heart as she gazed at her, and her lips twisted into a smile that she tried very hard to resist. She failed, and let a gigglesnort out as she glanced away in embarrassment. "Fuck, if you do then I'll definitely owe you dinner."

She let silence fall between them as her bashful smile remained. In the wake of losing everything she had and nearing closer to life or death, she had gained a friend. Her guarded wall collapsed and her shoulders relaxed. Whatever happened, it would be alright.

She took this opportunity to swiftly turn back to Iaera and smirk. "God, I'm so fucking dead." She let loose a boisterous laugh and shook here head again to indicate that it was a joke. Her sense of humor had returned.

---

to be continued . . .